Intergalactical International Presents!

Guess what, guess what?!?!

I got some presents…..

Snowdome Presents from far far away for meeeeee! all for meeeeee!

I am lucky enough to have people who send me gifts while they are adventuring around the planet and today these ones arrived in the mail! I luuuurve getting gifts in the mail It’s so lovely someone is thinking of you from the other side of the planet. I love the thought of someone being in some far away place, seeing something silly and thinking “aaaaw that is so tacky that Lucy would love that, best I get it for her”.  THEN I get to open a box in the mail!!

Everything good comes in boxes in the mail. Shiiiiny PVC thigh high 12 inch stiletto boots, body stockings, Jimmy Choo shoes and SNOWDOMES!! It’s like you get the little come fetch me notice in the letter box and then your heart starts pounding because you know your day is about to get happy! I’ll sit with the letter box notice allll day and think about what the prize could be and then get it in the afternoon.

Anyhoooo here are my latest prizes from the other side of the planet.

THANK YOU!! I LOVE THEM!

Mmwaah!

Lucy

Changed my mind…

I’m now in loooove with Peter the Fungal Scientist from Beauty and the Geek.  I caught a glimpse of FUNGAL MAN when I dropped my laptop and he is keeeeewt! Unfortunately though, there is something about being in luuuurve with a Fungal Scientist that sounds beyond geeky to trippy, so I’ll probably never be able to bonk him for free Hahahaa I made a funny!!… get it …. there’s something trippy about a fungas man… get it get it?!?! magic mushrooms are fungas!! … ooook I leave that one alone now.

In other news… I’m just back from a week away with the family, so yerrrrs I’m now NUTS! I find it infinitely disturbing how I’m the sane one.  There were tantrums, fighting, swearing, stomping of the tootsies, rolling of the eyes by all of them. I just sat quietly and played for a week with the 5 year olds and had a truly excellent time. I hadn’t jumped on a trampoline and then fell asleep since I was 12 and jigging high school! I don’t know what it is when you get older, but your brain seems to thud around your skull a lot more and hurts when it hits the sides. Still it was FUN! Hmmm and I played sticker books, painted cups and plates, made hats for Melbourne Cup and had a tea party with Baby Born quadruplets (what is it with dolls looking like zombies?!). Then we painted the walls (and got in trouble, but my niece is so PC and such a goodie goodie Country Road pink fairy child, I feel it’s my role to corrupt her into being a normal child), and then we had a pom pom tree pom pom flower fight and then we caught slugs and made a slug house for them. All in all I had a most excellent time as long as I wasn’t around the weirdo’s. Ooow and we got thrown out of the local pool because I taught them how to do bombs and belly flops in the pool and apparently having fun isn’t allowed.

It never fails to shock me about how much they choose not to know about my life out loud, but secretly know everything. They went on and on at me about how being a welfare worker sucks …. “I can’t believe my tax dollars have to pay for a boat load of Asians to sit on cruise ships before Australia delivers them to an island for a holiday and then we grant them assylum so they can sit on their arses for the rest of their lives on a pension in Australia and then I have to pay your wages to pander to them”… I mean SERIOUSLY WHO THINKS ABOUT BOAT PEOPLE AND WHAT THEY GO THRU LIKE THAT?!?!?!” So when I get over listening to their shite I tell them “Look I am no longer a welfare worker so don’t talk to me about it”. Then I get the “well we run a business and there’s no way you could run a business or even have any idea what’s involved so you have to remain a welfare worker”, to which I respond “I could run your itty bitty business with my hands tied behind my back whilst blindfolded”. Then the room goes silent for 20 MINUTES! Yup… they know heheheeee. Hmmm maybe I shouldn’t have used the blindfolded tied down in the sentence – damaged them for life maybe.

Hmmm what else on the Lucy update?… ooow I know… I’ll show you a pic of the new stand in child I apparently have to have. I’ve called him Chewie Chester Wookie Blake.

Chewie comes from Blacktown Pound and I encourage everyone to pop along to their local pound and pick someone up to love – they were going to MURDER HIM an hour after he was picked if he wasn’t picked! THEY WERE GOING TO MURDER CHEWIE!! So quick quick everyone go get an addition to the family.

ANyhooo that’s where I’ve been.. missing in action. I’m baaaaack now but and really excited to be back. I’ve been having the best times since I have left welfare and really looking forward to having more best times. Once again thank you sooo much for the lovely lovely people who have been leaving comments on my blogs and for the lovely people who have been sending me emails after reading something on the other site I have http://www.australian-escort-info.com . Some people have been sending me really touching stories about their experiences and how reading the wiki has been of assistance or sending me suggestions. BUT to the gents who have been leaving comments on this blog… you have no idea how much it means to me that you take the time and effort to do it. You have made me smile and laugh and feel wonderful

Anyhooo you take care of you and I’ll catch you all in a flash with some new silly stuff!

Lucy

 

Lucky Day!

Hiya Everybody!

I just wanted to start by saying a MASSIVE thank you to the lovely people who leave comments on my blog. Its a stomach turning exercise blogging if you’re in my line of work because you worry about if you’re giving to much away, destroying your marketing, being to personal, being to honest, being offensive etc etc. They can take a bit of time to write as well, so when people leave a comment it really is very lovely. I’m also lucky in that people who leave comments do spend time thinking about what they want to say and their comments are always really relevant and make me think and reflect a lot which makes me grow as a person – ycuk did I just say that?! SOOOOAPY! true but

Soooo to the Lucky Blog!! Let me start by giving you a pic of me in my lucky socks…

Yerrrrs feeling like it’s time to pull out all stops, take no chances and pull my lucky cat socks up!

Why?

Well today my sister was going into hospital to have her baby and she had a little boy Of course I like girls because you can do better shopping for girls, but I don’t have any money anyway so I love I having a new nephew except of course the lectures I get about how I am getting to old to have babies and I better have one tomorrow blah blaaaah

Ooow and on Friday I quit my straight job! Yup that’s right I QUIT! My boss said some awwwwwful things to me in “supervision” which is just a code word for “fuck with your head session”, so I thought about it over night and went back in the next morning and QUIT! Her parting words to me were “I hope you reflect on what I have said to you and can change your life”. My parting words were “heheheeee”.

Oooow and I’m halfway through my Business Management Diploma as of today and I received my results  for the first half of my course and I have all Distinctions except 1 credit I wish I could apply myself to being bored for an entire 3 years and then I could have a whole degree instead of multiple diploma’s. I can’t seem to get past the 18 month boredom thresh hold. Now I’ve got my lucky socks on, I’m hoping that may change

Oooow and I’ve been working on my wiki all day/night/day/night/day/night and learnt about all this stuff I could do if I only could work out how…. yeaaay for the lucky socks… I’m sure getting it is just around the corner

Oooow and I’m in luuuuuuuuuuurve!! Can you tell?!?!? I finally found a boy I could imagine being completely unprofessional with and actually bonking him for the first hour for freeeeeee!! His name is Matt…  fortunately for my professionalism he is on the other side of the planet so I never will have to bonk him heheee. Incidentally he is the guy who invented WordPress. I don’t know why I find geeky guys so gawd darn sexy.  Blimey I hope he doesn’t kick me off WordPress for calling him geeky… I did call him sexy as well but so hopefully they cancel each other out.

Ooow and today I was walking past a toy shop and I went in to touch everything. Here’s me dressed as an Intergalactical Princess…..

The boy who works in the toy shop I made take the picture for me was mortified I made him stand there and do it. That made me want to embarrass him more of course, so I have about 50 of them.

Sooo anyhooo that’s about that for today. I am updating my website with a few new ideas and ripping down some pages over the next few days, oh and of course the availability shall change because I’m no longer a prisoner of DOOM at the straight job. I’ll try and get to that tomorrow but and update here when it’s done.

You all take care and if you have a pair of lucky socks… PUT ‘EM ON!

Weeeeee!

Lucy

Juicy Lucy Update

Hellooo,

So I had a walk out the other day – very bad to blog about such things… not good marketing I imagine. I’m not known for doing clever things though so all good. Was the first person I was seeing in months so it was very bad.  Anyhoo he used the universal boy line of “I think I’ve made a mistake, I’d like to leave and what about my money”. Very hard to keep ones composure at this stage. What do you say? “Oh sure sweetheart you’re more than welcome to leave and I’m sorry it didn’t work out, you can keep all of the cash even though we’ve been making out for 20 minutes and you booked for 3 HOURS and I turned down other bookings to be here right now and you told me you read my blog carefully and really want to see me because of my blog which is who I am in the flesh, so what’s the big horrible surprise you need to leave because of?!”. Of course all you do say is “no problem I appreciate your honesty. It’s better to be upfront about these things because it’s alot of money and I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable or ripped off in anyway. Have a lovely day bye bye”.  Then you call all your hooker friends and make them tell you you’re lovely so you don’t kill yourself with self loathing for not being good enough and being rejected.

I mean why don’t men give more of an insight if they are leaving so we are able to know how to improve business and make people happier? Was it the dress? Was it I’m too fat? Was it the personality? Was it my tits aren’t big enough? What exactly was it? Means ladies have to torture themselves forever with why they are such a fuck up.

Sooo I put a page on my website up explaining EXACTLY who I am and who I’m not, who I’m suited to and who I’m not and put links to all of my ugliest advertising/true self.. like me singing on YouTube, un photoshopped pics, said what my real age is etc. I figure it’s better for all involved to have the complete picture. Once again, very bad marketing. We deal in fantasy not reality, but once again, I’m not known for doing things like everyone else does. I’ll get over it and take the page down I suppose.

I posted on an overseas womans only forum who make you feel better about life which is helpful

I even polished all of the leaves on all of my plants and got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen floors to make sure everything was as perfect as it could be for him!… friggin fruckin… got to do more hookering so I’m not trying to make everything perfect… not being a hooker enough makes ones self esteem shrink I find… gotta quit straight job…. HATE straight job HAAAAAAAATE STRAIGHT JOB!

Oh also put up on my website I’ll only see guys 38+… guys on forums go mental with shitty posts for ladies who put 25+ only on their websites, so I can imagine how people will feel when they see 38+ eeeeck.

What else….  my mum came over because I had to put her Uni Assessment together for her. They are making her do a power point presentation and because she has never used Power Point I was suckered into it. I turned on my computer and she saw all my pics of me in my lingerie… or no lingerie… latex dresses…. latex catsuits… arrrgh she saw me in my secret hooker hero costumes!! Was all ok though because we don’t acknowledge the fact I’m a hooker out loud so I got away with it heheheee. Still never a good thing for your mother to know you own a latex catsuit even subconsciously.

She also bought me a dog! It’s not allowed to live with me, but I may let it come and visit every now and then. I think she has given up on the idea of me having a child, so now she is buying me a dog baby instead…. my poor mother heheheee. I want to call him Poppy, but my mother wont let me call a boy dog a girls name. My last cat was female and I called her a boys name, but apparently dogs go by different rules. I’ve banned her from going near the pound… she’s a little bit addicted to buying animals that are going to be murdered at the RSPCA and pounds.. wish she got me a turtle – I’ve never had one of them and they’re cute.

Hmmm what else? Ooow yerrrrs I have had stuff from my wiki published again.. I had another 8 pages published in a magazine. It would appear I’m going to start writing for this magazine each issue now which is kind of exciting. I have to change my name though so I can’t be recognised, but all good

Ooow also caught up with a friend in Queensland which was REALLY lovely. I miss talking to sex workers and woman in this industry. They really are remarkable and you can be you and say what you think and it’s just so liberating to be able to be you for a change. At straight work you can’t be you and you put a different personality on and hide who you are so you fit the desired mould/culture; the only thing family knows about you is your real name… yup other sex workers and my much loved regulars know who I really am. I escape into my regular gents and good hooker friends to be the real me.

Anyway gotta go to bed so I can get up for another day at that place,

Take care everyone and hope you’re all smiley

Lucy

ps. to the people who I haven’t been answering emails in a professional manner ie. not within 12 hours, I’m so sorry. Lucy is trying hard to get her shit together and be more professional with responding to emails.

ps. here is a pic of me un-photoshopped so there is no mistakes for people thinking of booking me based on my blog alone..

Lucy Sydney Escort

FleshLight Toy Review!

Helloooo Everyone!

I’ve just finished writing a toy review and here ’tis…

FleshLight

//

Many boys swear by these things, I hate these things and the clients I have used them with find them equaly unimpressive! So it would appear it may be a good thing for a boy to use alone, not in company. SO what leads us to this decision? Read on….

What is it?

A Fleshlight is a male masturbation device that was actually designed by a man in the UK (where else?!) when his wife was going through a high risk pregnancy so he couldn’t bonk her so he came up with an alternate way to get his sperm off. It was patented under the guise of being a ‘discreet sperm collection device’

What are the different parts important to the toy?

A Fleshlight comprises of 3 important parts and they are:

1. the innards / inner sleeve – this is the fleshy part inside the canister that feels flesh like flesh, hence the first part of the toys name “flesh”
2. the outer canister – this is the housing for the inner sleeve and looks like the casing of portable torch light, hence the second part of the toys name “light”
3. the bottom lid – this is the section at the bottom of the flesh light canister that you screw on and off, that adjust the amount of suction and therefore stimulation that the boy receives – basically it regulates the tightness of the inner sleeve

Different Types

Fleshlights come in all different colors, sizes, textures and looks. You can get casing and in the inner sleeve in colors including pink, blue, gold, pink, grey, brown, black.. basically you think of the color and they’ll have it. This is a visual thing, so boys will choose pink if they like white ladies with pink bits, crystal if they’d like to see thru the fleshligh so they can watch their dicks moving in and out, blue if they fantasise about bonking aliens etc.

The outer lips of it or point of entry come in different moulds including vagina, anus, buttocks, mouth and slot – from the discussion I’ve had with boys, this point of entry design is 99% a visual thing and the one you chose, wont have a huge impact on how it physically feels.

Some couples who do swinging or people who may be bonking/masturbating mutliple men at once, will have a variety of colors because they are for single person use only. This is because they can’t be cleaned to the point of sterilisation. Having multiple colors allows each person to easily identify which one is their’s and safest to stick their dick in. Men may also have multiple colors so they can easily identify which inner sleeve has what texture ie. blue inner sleave has lots of bumps so gives maximum stimulation, pink inner sleave has a single channel so not as much stimulation

What’s inside it?

Inside the casing or the torch part is the inner sleave. This sleave is made out of a gel that has about 600 letters in it so we wont go into that. The important things to know are that it feels very tactile and gooey like flesh and because of what it is made out of, you cannot use anything but water based lubricants in it or you will destroy the sleeve.

The inner sleeve comes with lots of different ribbings that are designed to change the type of stimulation a man is getting. The more pronounced the ridges/bumps, the more the stimulation. The picture above on the end will give the least amount of stimulation and is often used by men for marathon training which is where they will jerk off and jerk off and try not to cum for as long as possible. They believe this will then prolong their staying power when they are bonking a real person.

How do you use it?

Pictures removed because they look rude and WordPress wont like that

A Fleshlight holds loads of promise when you first fantasise about buying one, however when you get them home and try to use them, I found that promise pretty much disappeared. I found them incredibly difficult to use because of the suction involved. You need to be a weight lifter to be able to pump them hard enough, fast enough and tight enough to use them properly. I have used them in the following way…

electrical play – when I have had a man tied down and hooked up to a Tens Unit, there will be wires and bits attached to his penis, inner thighs, outside of anus; there will be an electric butt plug inserted, electric tourniquets at two points of his penis and an electric wand I roam over different points of his body. To do electrical play properly you also need to use alot of special lube and LOTS of it so the man doesn’t get burnt. For these reasons a flesh light is often the best way to bonk a man because there are simply to many wires and to much lube everywhere to be able to get on him and do it yourself.

forced abstinence – this is where you may be playing the no sex game with your client if you’re engaging in a bit of Mistressing. For some clients I see, they don’t want to be allowed to have sex until I believe they have learnt it. For these boys, if they are deemed to have pleased me in a booking, behaved themselves and done what they are told, I’ll allow them to sit in the corner of the room and jack off into the Fleshlight.

Extreme Tie and Tease – I use them in extreme tie and tease to simply get another form of stimulation. The guys I have used them on don’t think they feel like real vagina’s, but do say they supply an interesting feeling of stimulation. Basicaly I use it to mix the physical stimulations up a bit

trick sex – I know some ladies who tie their clients down, blindfold them and then stick this between their legs and jump up and down to trick their client into believing they are having sex with them. I have tried this with a few of my clients and they all thought it was hilarious (mind you my clients all think I’m ridiculous and laugh at me lots). In a nutshell, it didn’t work and you’d have to be a body builder to pull it off they are that hard to use.

periods sex - some ladies who have good regulars who like to see them even if they have their periods and don’t want to bonk will use these. The lady will stick one between her legs, hold it in place with her thighs and hands and let her client bonk her from behind. This is a great use of FleshLight for a lady and client alike – like I said though, generally only good regulars who like to have some giggles with you and are comfortable with you will partake in this activity.

mix it up - I pull out different toys, yoga positions, latex dresses, lingerie, whatever all the time. A new toy will stimulate, will make people giggle as you explore how to use it; I verbally write reviews with my client as we are using it as a way to make horny/dirty talk and to have a laugh… I try new things all the time to keep me an interesting, fun and words removed because WordPress wont like it

Issues when using a Fleshlight

The hardest thing I find as a sex worker using these toys is the fact it takes more muscle than I have to move it up and down! They are an extremely labour intensive toy to the point it makes me want to throw it across the room at the wall! This difficulty moving it is cause by the suction you need inside the inner sleeve to grip the guys dick like a vagina would. The amount of suction is controlled by unscrewing the cap on the bottom of the outer canister (see pic to the left directly above). The tighter it is screwed on, the more suction inside the canister so the tighter the flesh light will grip the guys word removed because WordPress wont like it. Screwed on tight =words removed because WordPress wont like it. To combat this I will take them out of the canister and just grip them with my hand. If i do this I can also squeeze tighter at certain times to mimick a vagina clamping down on his word removed because WordPress wont like it and to mix up the stimulation – be warned.. they are very slippery buggers out of their canisters.

The fleshligh is also very big in both the length and girth. They are extremely difficult to hold because they are built for big man hands not for girl hands. This means you have to hold onto them with both hands, or you’ll never be able to pick it up/move it up and down. This is annoying for me as a sex worker because I am always doing at least 4 things at all times and if two hands are occupied with one activity, that means I am only doing 1 – 2 things at a time.

Cleaning Issues

Cleaning it is GROSS – if the guy sentence removed because WordPress wont like it you have to try and wash all the word removed because WordPress wont like it out and GOOD LUCK with that! The problem with it is, it has all of those grooves and bumps inside of it that the words removed because WordPress wont like it wells up in and around. You also can’t get your hand inside it, use overly hot water, use soaps etc, so it is next to impossible to clean out properly.

You cannot boil it or it will melt and disintegrate. You cannot squirt it with enviroclean or other hospital grade disinfecting agents you should be cleaning all your toys with after you have washed them. For this reason, they are one person toys and cannot be used with multiple clients. I keep Fleshlights in different colors for different clients who I do alot of electrical play, forced abstinence, forced feminisation, extreme tie and tease with no bonking.

When you have cleaned them out as best you can which you do by running water thru them for an hour (or as long as you feel it takes to flush all the gunk out), you need to dry them as best as you can. This means you leave them in a dry light room, but not in direct sunlight. You will need to rotate them if they are lieing on their sides and move them around because the fleshlight inner sleeve can collapse in on itself which means all the water wont evaporate.

Once it is as dry as you can get it, you can put talcom powder or corn flower inside it to dry up the last little bits of water you haven’t gotten out.

Accessories

You can get all sorts of accessories for Fleshlights now, although I would have thought they would have come along much further now since they have been out for a few years. You can get the above furniture you can stick your word removed because WordPress wont like it in while gripping / lieing down on the top bench part of it for extra support (much like sentence removed because WordPress wont like it with men), you can get the Fleshlight arm chair holder pictured above much like the ones you can buy to stick your remote controls in at home (this would be good if you like to use multiple fleshlights in a session and have a different color for different stimulation, or for Fleshlight suggestion removed because WordPress wont like it, or you can buy the Fleshlight super turbo description removed because WordPress wont like it (designed for girls I believe who don’t have the strength to word removed because WordPress wont like it partner off because of the suction issues, or would be brilliant for a dungeon setting). They are also now making vibrating Fleshlights you can purchase for a lots more, which is basically a Fleshlight they have inserted a bullet vibrator into the bottom of the canister with it.. ooooow aaaaaah impressive! Just so you know – it is cheaper to buy a Fleshlight and then the bullet vibrator seperately and insert the vibe into the bottom of the canister yourself by a looooong shot.

How much do they cost and where do you get them?

LOT’S! Considering their usage, inability to sterilise, difficulties when using them, the fact you can get waaaaaaaay cheaper (asn in 600% cheaper) imitations, they are a ridiculously over priced item. I buy them for my clients who are  either label word removed because WordPress wont like it and for slaves who need a big, cumbersome reminder of who they are and what they are doing.

Fleshlight Australia’s official site http://www.fleshlight.com.au

Fleshlight’s sale page  http://www.fleshlight.com.au/store/index.php?app=ccp0&ns=catshow&ref=on_sale&sid=9yt78q9f48i86102s7sl814g7jlh481e&portrelay=1

Fleshlight’s packages page http://www.fleshlight.com.au/store/sextoy-catshow/fleshlight_package.html

MyShopping  begin at $169  http://www.myshopping.com.au/PT–225_Adult_Products_Fleshlight__fs_33060_e__

Cheaper alternatives

Pictures removed because WordPress wont like it

There are a gazillion alternatives to flesh light and ALL of them are cheaper.

Dealing with the Fleshligh company

Let’s just say the franchise in Australia who imports them discrimminates against sex workers – they even banned me from their forum for disclosing I was a sex worker and was asking for input on how to use them and care for them in industrial settings! They banned me then sent me an email saying they’d be happy to sell me a gazillion, but didn’t want me on their forum because it was a family product and they didn’t want it being associated with the sex industry… CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!! A family product for word removed because WordPress wont like it sake.. anyhoooo.

I also had lots of problems trying the product online from the company in Australia. I bought some and then months past by and I didn’t receive them and then after multiple emails was told they had run out of the crystal fleshlights and casing blah blah boring blaaah. Now I buy them in person from a shop, online, or at the big toys wholesaler.

I don’t frequent or support any business that discrimminates against sex workers or anyone else for that matter.

From a Mans Perspective…

http://www.thefleshlightsucks.com/

Eros:

Would you purchase one again : no – a cheaper version gives you more stimulation, are less bulky, easier to clean, and a gazillion times cheaper

Did they do the job: yes and no – they do not do a good job at what they were designed to do, but if used as a punishment tool for slaves, forced abstinence, for a laugh etc they can be good. I had to think long and hard to come up with ways to make them useable

Was it worth the money: definately not

Good points: none – (although the Fleshlight company is quite good with their marketing – just a shame their product is crap)

Bad points: read my review above and the guys review link posted above

Did your clients like them: no

Overall rating: 0 out of 10 if it was for free, but because it cost me $160 that makes it -500 out of 10

If you’d like to see more toy reviews, you can have a weee perve at  http://www.australian-escort-info.com/Sex_Toys/Reviews_of_Sex_Toys

or hit on this banner to go to the Home Page on http://www.australian-escort-info.com ….

Australian Escort Information Flesh Light Toy Reviews

If you want to write me a toy review, I’d love to have it to stick on the wiki, so be sure to get fiddling with all your bits and pieces and let me know about it!

Happy play times people!

Weeee!

Lucy

… and here’s one from the wiki on Office Escorting

Escorting to an Office / clients work place

This means going to a clients place of work. Hopefully you will be asked to go out of business hours where the chances are less likely someone will be there. Sometimes however clients have been known to get ladies in when others are in the office. I would not recommend this!

1. Issues involved

Escorting to a clients work place is full of issues. Things like.. is there anyone else there? What are the chances of someone else turning up because they left something at work or want to come in to do some work out of hours etc? Do you have to go straight to another job, because there isn’t going to be anywhere to shower at an office job. Do you like wham bam sex bookings because that’s all you get in an office job – it is ALL about the sex. Are you able to keep your cool? It is a VERY stressful form of escorting etc etc etc

2. What to wear

Many girls these days are wearing jeans or pants when escorting. If you are going to someone’s office I recommend you wear a dress or skirt for two main reasons. Firstly, there are usually NO showers in someone’s office and if there are, they usually wont let you use them – they consider this a waste of time when they are risking being caught at work – sexually satisfying themselves is worth the risk, your hygiene and comfort is another thing altogether. Having to put on a pair of jeans or pants when you’re covered in lube is uncomfortable to say the least and will show a wet patch when you’re walking down the street.

The other reason to wear a dress is because it is easier to pull down if you can manage to stay clothed if someone walks in. I would recommend you always try and stay as dressed as possible in an office.

Don’t wear anything that is fiddly to get on. If you wear stockings, wear a pair of stay up stockings rather than stockings and suspenders for example. If the guy insists you take the stockings off, you aren’t going to want to dick around at the end spending 10 minutes with the fiddly clasps to try and make them stay up.

I’d go in a suit because you are more likely to blend into the surrounds to others who may be in an office next door or if someone walks in. Discretion is everything in an office job
3. Hygiene

When doing an office job, always pop a packet of baby wipes into your bag. This is so you can have a virtual shower so you don’t have to feel so icky on your way home and so you can go straight to your next job if you have too. They can also be handy if you have to wipe some lube up off a board room table or off your clothes. Remeber office = no shower 99% of the time and even if there is a shower, good luck finding a towel to dry yourself with (suppose you could always use toilet paper or stand under one of those blow hand dryers!)

4. Security cameras

Guys will generally fantasise about bonking you in a aprticular room in a particular way in the office. This is one of the most overly thought bookings you will do. Some guys will want to bonk you in the mail room because it is a room they walk past everyday but don’t have to look at all day so they will only be distracted by thoughts of you when they walk past it. Mail rooms, reception areas and even the office in general may have security cameras installed. Be sure to have a look around which ever room he chooses to bonk you in for security cameras. You may think he wont bonk you in a room with security cameras because he doesn’t want to get caught, but he may own the business so has access to whatever is recorded and can disappear it after making a copy etc.

Also be careful if bonking in his office that you are not doing it directly in front of his computer if he has a webcam set up. Have a look around to ensure none of the other computers have a webcam aimed in your direction because he may be bonking on the boss’s desk, but the webcam on his desk may be aimed directly at you.

5.  Cleaning up after yourself

This has turned into an optional extra these days. If you are someone from the old school who believes an escort should leave no trace that she was there, then be sure to take a plastic bag to put any tissues, used condom, lube wrappers you may use inside. The boss coming in the next day and seeing your hand prints all over the board room table is not ideal, nor is seeing condom wrappers in the garbage bin.

6. Finding the building

This is something you should get really clear instructions on over the phone when you take the booking. Office places can be VERY difficult to not only find whether it be a generic office in the City or it can be even worse if it’s on an Industrial site. Many fancy offices these days are located in huge industrial complexes that may have up to 20 different companies owning buildings in the same area. For example in North Ryde in NSW all of the major computer companies own office spaces there. In the industrial complexes, the building names and numbers may be weird, so it’s not like finding a normal building on the street. If someone says the building address is H11.2b.54 North Drive West, good luck finding that! Find out what the building looks like, any signage on the building, what color the building is, if anyone else shares the building, how to get to it if it’s an industrial site; basically get really clear step by step instructions or you may never find it.

7. Getting in once you’re there

After hours security can be a huge drama. At the end of the day, office blocks generally go into lockdown which means the doors no longer automatically slide open or push open when you arrive. This means your client will either have to come down to the front door to get you, or buzz you in and up to the floor if the elevator has lift security after hours and you need to be buzzed/swiped up to the floor he is on.

For this reason, be sure when you take the booking you take down the name of the company he works for, land line of the company, his direct line, his mobile phone number, the number of the floor he is on, the suite number he is in, and what the name on the door you have to go thru once you’re on his floor says. Also when you’re on the phone to him, ask him what he wants you to do once you get to the building. Does he want you to go straight up, call him on his mobile, will he come down and meet you at the front door, will the doors still be open, will the lift work without having to be swiped up etc.

Once you arrive, you’ll have to call him to let him know you are there to get the final all clear that everyone has left his office and no-one has popped into work unexpectedly.

8. Getting locked in

Getting locked in someone’s work place can be a little bit scary. If you get locked in keep your cool and remember often the simplest answer is the right answer. At the front doors look for the big red or green button to the right or left hand side of the doors that you press that releases the front doors. You can always try going back to the guys office, but the few times I’ve been locked in, the guy has either not opened the office door when I knock to tell him to let me out, or he caught the next lift down to the carpark after I left and is long gone.

Don’t go down a set of fire stairs because the door will generally lock behind you so you wont be able to get out of the stair well. Don’t catch the lift down to the car park to look for another exit because they are dark and therefore dangerous; everyone might have gone home so you may be stuck down there until the next morning if the lift wont let you back up to an office floor.

99% of the time there will be a security gaurd who roams around the building or is looking at you on camera. If all else fails and you can’t get out, signal him on the cameras or track him down in the security room and he’ll let you out. Just tell him you’re a secretary at an accounting firm and you were dropping off an enevelope to one of the companies upstairs on the way home from work and got locked in.

9. What to do if a work collegue comes in!

This is always fun… NOT! Most men will do everything they possibly can to ensure no-one will come into the workplace after all self preservation would dictate DON’T GET CAUGHT OR YOU GET FIRED, however… guys who organise to see ladies in the workplace partly do it for the thrill of maybe getting caught. So if their self preservation isn’t necessarily in tip top condition, best yours be on over drive. There will be 2 scenario’s. Firstly he has organised for his mate to come in without telling you and may want him to join in or watch, or secondly someone has come in who he wasn’t planning on and he is officially shitting himself and therefore not thinking clearly so you have to. It doesn’t really matter which of the two scenario’s is true, your response will be about the same and may look something like this:

1. when you go in to do the job, chances are he has fantasised about bonking you at his desk, his bosses desk, board room etc blah etc. For your safety including avoiding cameras that may be around and in case someone comes in, your job is to ascertain the safest room to see him in. Chances are most people will not want to go into the mail room, store room or Board Room outside of office hours and they will have a door on those rooms that can be closed so you wont be scene as soon as someone walks in. This makes them the best places to do a job. Bonking someone at their desk in an open plan office is a BAD idea. Bonking someone at the reception desk is a bad idea. Bonking anyone in a main thoroughfare or out in the open so you will be scene as soon as someone walks in is a bad idea. Always bonk in a place where you will have 90 seconds to get your g-string pulled up, get your hair organised and bag re-packed so you’re ready to walk out.
2. remember it is not your job to talk to the person who has come in. It’s not your job to make excuses, not your job to tell them why you wont bonk them as well; not your job to deal with hysterical wives, secretaries or bosses; not your job to talk to security men. All your job is, is to smile sweetly as you get your money, your bag and get out of there.
3. don’t forget any of your property because the chances of being able to get back in there is less than minimal. Don’t panic, be methodical, take your time and make sure you have your money, bag, clothing, keys and mobile phone.
4. stick your nose in the air, keep the sweet smile on your face, stick your chest out and walk out calmly ASAP. In other words, stick the same face on you use when walking thru the lobby of a hotel and exit ASAP.

10. What you’re in for in an office job

Office jobs are VERY different to any other you may be asked to do. The sex is different, the fantasy is different, the end game is different, the level of danger is increased, the amount and type of conversation is different and how they treat you is different which may mess with your head.

1. Sex is different – in an office job the sex will be completely impersonal. Your comfort and/or what you want to do will not come into it at all. You will not be on a bed, you will be bent over tables, bouncing up and down on a guy while he sits on a chair, you will be on your knees getting carpet burn, you will be balancing on a table with a guy hammering you trying to balance your weight and his enthusiasm so the table doesn’t tip over with you on it. They are physically more demanding because you have to keep your stilettoes on and pull of amazing feets of athletism and balance. The sex is often more agro / hardcore / pounding as well
2. There will be little if any small talk, discussion, getting to know each other. Office jobs are simply about fucking and the guy getting his fantasy off. If you are someone who needs to get to know someone to feel comfortable think carefully before doing this kind of job. I find you need to be able to access a dirty, PSE, Devious, animalistic headspace to enjoy this job. If you are all GFE, chances are you will hate doing this job and hate what it does to your headspace.
3. The fantasy is not to make love to a beautiful woman, the fantasy will generally be to fuck a woman in a staff room / boardroom he spends hours in that he hates. He will sit there listening to bullshit from his boss or clients thru the week and will begin fantasising about better ways he can make use of the time and the room. He will know it would piss his boss off if he fucked a prostitute on the table in that room, so he will want to do it. He will also want to do it there and in that room, so everytime he walks past it, looks at it or sits in it, he will get the constant pay off being able to smirk about what he has done in there. Some other guys will want to fuck you in the mail room because fucking you at his desk or in the Board room will be to much of a distraction when he is in it, so he will want to do it in the mail room so he is only distracted when he walks past it – re-living the fantasy is in his control in the future. Basically he is focused on achieving the fantasy and the future benefits of it not you when he is bonking you.This means he will be directive and non-negotiable so you need to be firm, know your limits, know how to negotiate and be able to deal with the headfuck of being treated like a fuck doll rather than as a person. If you cannot deal with that, don’t do an office job. This is also the reason guys wont offer you a shower if the office has one after the bonk. Your comfort simply is of no conern and once the fantasy is obtained, they want you out.

The danger is increased 10 fold. Someone could come in, you can be video’d, guys wont let you look around to see the layout of the office etc which is something we make sure we do on all other escort jobs. If you cannot keep your shit together, if you don’t cope with extreme pressure, if you can’t cope with not being able to shower and walking around with lube on your bagina for the 30 minutes it takes to get home, you cannot do this type of job. If you cannot cope with someone’s boss walking in and yelling at you, if you cannot cope with someone’s secretary walking in and seeing you, you cannot do the job. If you cannot cope with your client being extremely pushy and can’t respond assertively to get what you need, then you cannot do this kind of job.

The End

Office jobs are great because they are a break from the norm. They are great if you can access a certain type of headspace. They are great if you’re a little massachistic. They are great if you love conquering Big Shot business men and fantasise yourself about tieing a big shot down to his Board Room table and rogering him senseless (among other things). Office jobs use to be VERY common and for the first 18 months I was a worker, I use to specialise in them – as in did 4 x 2 hour jobs a day, everyday for 18 months working for an elite escort agency. We also did a lot of closures. They are no-where near as common these days, but it is important to know what you’re in for because they really are one of the hardest jobs you can do. There are so many variables and the headspace and sex required is so different, it is really important to think about it before you agree to do it. DO NOT offer a discount on this type of job – you earn every cent here.

Been writing for my wiki!

Hellooo Everybodies!

I’ve spent the weekend catching up on my wiki. I’ve written more on escorting (I think I did escorting to offices and hotels) and some other stuff. Hmmm ooow and I am just in the middle of doing Dinner Bookings. The wiki is to provide info to ladies and clients alike. If interested go have a look here:

Hmmm or here is an example.. I’ll put the dinner booking one below. If anyone wants to add something to the wiki, comment etc, please feel free to log in and do so, or pop me an email!

This page we’ll look at the ins and out of doing dinner bookings or bookings in public with clients. These are unique because they involve you both being seen in public with your client, so certain etiquette is needed and you’ll need to take some things into consideration to protect both you and your clients discretion. You’ll also need to think about what you feel comfortable doing in public and where you feel comfortable going.

What is a dinner booking?

A dinner booking is basically what it says – a dinner booking! A dinner booking has to involve food and either being at a restaurant, at his house if he is cooking, or your house if you’re cooking with him - it’s not simply a measure of time. Some guys will be shifty and try and make a dinner booking and decide to keep you in their hotel room and get room service, or decide at the last minute to order take away food at their place if you’re escorting, but that is not a dinner booking. A dinner booking is basically a booking that involves food being freshly cooked while you wait, during which time you indulge in polite non sexual conversation and non sexual physical contact.  It is important to differentiate between a dinner booking and a normal booking because quite often these days, ladies will discount on their hourly rate if it’s a dinner booking.

The three types of dinner bookings

1. restaurant – you both go to a restaurant
2. he cooks – either at his house while you’re escorting, or your house if doing an incall
3. you cook – you cook a baked dinner etc for him either at his house or your house

Restaurant Dinner Bookings Things to Consider..

1. Being scene in public
When doing a dinner booking at a restaurant you will be scene in public. If your family, friends, people you work with in your straight job or other escorts see you, you may be able to pass some gents off as friends or family, however MANY guys you wont be able to get away with this. Remember your client also may bump into friends, family or work mates as well. The key to being in public with a client is not to do anything that you or he may regret if scene by friends, family or work mates. It will absolutely be tempting to get lost in the moment / fantasy, but you have to remember you’re a professional and must never lose site of who you are and what you’re doing. It’s your job to keep your feet in reality and keep your client safe from friends, family and work mates at all times. Don’t get caught doing anything either of you can’t talk your way out of if he was scene by his wife with you is the golden rule.

Many clients will do dinner bookings when interstate because it limits the chances of him being caught in public. Just remember you have a life in your home State, so if he wants to hold hands/kiss in public/bonk in public etc, think of what you’re comfortable with, think of the risks to yourself and don’t do it unless you can deal with the consequences. I always negotiate it with the client if he goes to grab my hand and be blatantly clear by saying “are you sure it’s ok to hold my hand because I wouldn’t want you to get into trouble?”. If he says yup no problem and he is perfectly clear, then I decide on my comfort level.

2. Where to go for dinner
This can either be the fun bit or the torture bit. There are a few choices and they are.

i. Degustation
Think Tetsuya’s, Altitude – This menu is where you have 6+ courses in a meal. Some restaurants such as Tetsuya’s only have a degustation menu. This meal will take 3+ hours to eat and you will be offered the choice of having a wine matched to each course of the meal. If you are a

• foodie
• if your client doesn’t spend all day everyday in fancy restaurants doing business deals
• if your client loves going to restaurants and having long discussions over candle light
• if time is of no consequence (ie. you are doing an overnighter or longer booking)
• if you can eat ANYTHING (there is no point in going to Tetsuya’s if you hate raw fish which is the signature dish and only eat chicken)
• if you can make intelligent conversation for hours
• if you can handle being in very fancy restaurants
• if your client doesn’t want to have wild sex afterwards (there is NO WAY a boy is going to be able to bonk for the 4 hours after he eats 6+ courses)
• if money is no issue for your client (degustation is generally pretty expensive as a rule)

……then a degustation menu is for you!

When considering if you should get a matching wine with each course, think about how much you can drink, how drunk you mind your client getting and if you have to bonk afterwards. A glass of wine with each course is going to make him VERY sleepy on top of all of the food and going to make him slightly tipsy to say the least. Just remember you have to manage the consequences of this menu and wine when you leave the restaurant.

If you are looking for a restaurant that does degustation, simply Google it. Be sure to look at the restaurants menu because some of the restaurants I’ve been to, can have some fairly whacky options. I went to Quay restaurant once and had to eat pigs cheeks stuffed with pig trotters and pigs ears… made me cry to see the poor little pig all mooshed up.. literally I thought it was so sad I cried!

The other thing about restaurants who do desgustation menus is that they will generally have their acts together when it comes to desert. These fine establishments will usually have a desert tasting platter (or will make you one if you ask sweetly and bat your eye lashes) which is where you can have a single serve of every single desert they make – very civilised darling So even if you go to this restaurant and your client decides not to have degustation, you will still be able to get a desert tasting plate

Restaurants that serve degustation live to suck up your arse and take people’s money. If you don’t like a particular course, you can always ask for a vegetarian option. Asking for another option for every course or for the signature dish, is considered bad taste and bad manners though. These restaurants have an ability to make raw tuna taste like fairy floss though, so even if you hate a particular food in real life, I would always say try it at a fancy restaurant because it will taste nothing like you thought possible in real life and you may find you love it!

Dress code is you will need to dress to the 9’s and he will need to wear a suit and tie or wear equally expensive casual attire

ii. Fancy Restaurant
Think Aria, Fourty One, Altitude etc These places the dress code is the same as where you’d go for degustation and often these restaurants will do a degustation menu. See above for who they suit, whats offered etc

iii. Mid Range Restaurant
This restaurant will be something that is a little more low key but you’ll probably be sitting at a table with a table cloth. Think dress suit with no tie for him, you may be able to get away with jeans and stilettoes, although I would never wear jeans on a booking. Think fancy but no as uncomfortable as dressed up to go to a wedding.

A mid range restaurant would be like one of those restaurants down along the water front at Darling Harbour or on the promenade at Circular Quay (under Aria). Sorry for othe States I don’t know your eateries/restaurants very well.

In these restaurants dinner will generally take 2 hours to eat at and will usually have a selection of food with 3 courses max. If the gent asks you to choose the restaurant, ask him if he likes seafood, steak, Asian etc, to narrow down the choice a little bit. Desert is usually pretty shite in these places so not my favorite places to dwell

If you..

• don’t think your client wants to spend $500+ on dinner
• are on a 4 hour dinner booking (2 hours at dinner and 2 in bedroom)
• need to bonk immediately afterwards
• don’t have fancy enough clothes to go to a full on fancy restaurant
• are intimidated by fancy restaurants
• can’t make 4+ hours of polite conversation
• are on a diet

…… then these are the restaurants for you and your client

iv. Low Key Shabby Chic
Think you can absolutely wear jeans and stilettoes, cargo pants and flip flops, summer dress etc and he can wear whatever he darn well likes. Examples would be local pizza shop, sushi train, Hogs Breath Cafe (aaargh), KEBABS (shudder in horror), basically those sorts of places you would take a real life partner. Guys who like to go to these restaurants include…

• Big Shot business men who spend all day, all their lives in fancy fancy restaurants, hate them, are over them, don’t want a large credit card bill they can’t wipe off completely on expenses
• Big Shots who are sick of wearing suits
• Big Shots who think it’s cute/a novelty/living the fantasy of being normal and slumming it
• Regulars who want to spend time with you as a ‘real person’
• Regulars you know VERY well
• Gents you are on 24+ hour bookings with
• Drunk clients
• the guy who took me to Hogs Breath Cafe told me he hated me and my feminist ways so he was protesting and teaching me a lesson by taking me to Hogs Breath… so people who hate you I suppose
• People who are completely unpretentious, yet not stingey with your fee
• People who don’t have much money
• People who love saying “toot toot” as the Sushi Train goes around at Sushi Train like I do! TOOOT TOOOOOT I love Sushi Train TOOOT!

If you want desert, you will have to stop off in 7/11 OR go to a Danish Ice Cream Shop, or go to City Extra 24/7 for strawberry pancakes, ice cream and maple syrup, or go to Woolworths to get Oreo’s etc

3. Desert

The question for me when someone is making a dinner booking is ALWAYS “can I order every desert on the menu?”. If the answer is no, I wont go on a dinner booking. It’s not that I want every desert on the menu, but for me it’s more like my screening procedure. If a boy says no, I know he isn’t going to be any fun and more than likely someone who will order the cheese at the end of the meal and I NEVER like guys who order the cheese platter.

Now if you happen to want to get every desert in a restaurant, suck up to the wait staff (even though your client will get VERY pissed off you’re being as nice to the wait staff as you are him), smile sweetly, tell them their food is glorious and just pop out and ask it. Has worked for me every time I don’t know why desert is so important to me that I had o write a whole section on it… it just bloody well is!

4. Foods to Order

Anytime I get to a restaurant this is the trickiest bit. Every other lady I know who has done dinner bookings finds this step crucial as well. The issue is, what can you eat without wearing it?! Spagetti is a NO NO. Lobster is a NO NO unless in a fancy restaurant where they take it out of the shell. A sushi restaurant is a no no unless you can eat with chop sticks. Mixed leaf salad is a no no because you can never stick an entire lettuce leaf into your mouth elegantly. When choosing food think about

• what it will look like when you’re putting it in your mouth if someone is watching you – slurping up spagettie is never going to be a good site
• think about what it will taste like to kiss you after you eat it (don’t order garlic prawns)
• think about if you have to bonk after it – eating a medium rate steak and then having to bonk an hour later is not a great idea
• think about how much it costs – don’t order lobster if you know your client has saved all year to be able to afford your booking rate and the cost of your dinner. It’s not really good Karma to do that to someone who can’t afford it
• research the restaurant and find out the dish they are best known for and order that
• nothing that makes you fart – I had a client who always use to eat Mexican before a booking with me and then want to do strap on stuff with me. I’ll NEVER forgive him
• I always order the dish my client would have gotten as his second choice so he can have some of mine and have everything he wanted

5. Etiquette

There are certain things you can do that will annoy your client and get you a lecture or a very unhappy glare and they are things like…

• let him place the order with the waiter – I always like to order because I’m a control freak. Everytime I’ve done this however, boys get very cranky at me. Except of course boys who think it’s very amusing I’m a nutter and laugh alot when I order. In general though, boys like to do the ordering, so let them order
• don’t fidget
• don’t spend to much time in the toilet
• put your mobile on silent and do not answer it in a restaurant or let it light up when it rings
• don’t be overly friendly to the wait staff – every time I’ve been nice to the wait staff, cleaners, elevator men, guy who opens the door, guy who parks the car etc etc, the client has HATED it and I get a lecture about how I shouldn’t be nice to the hired help pfft. Except of course the guys who like nutters and they laugh at me some more.
• don’t under dress for a dinner booking
• don’t get drunk
• don’t eat like a bird and only peck at food. Guys take you to dinner bookings because they want to enjoy he food with someone who experiences it with them
• don’t talk to loud so others can hear your converation
• don’t complain about the food no matter how gross it is
• don’t be boring – make conversation, it’s your job to make and carry the conversation
• don’t order the most expensive wine, food no matter how rich he is – it’s ugly to be tacky and thoughtless
• don’t order food that will make you taste gross eg. anything with garlic in it
• don’t take your vibrator – it ALWAYS turns on in your bag and then your bag will start vibrating across the floor, and then it will tip over and your vibrator will go bouncing across the room.. very ugly moment that one and it ALWAYS happens if you have a vibrator in your bag
• don’t eat his food – they always get the shits if you ask them to share their food
• don’t forget to offer your food to him – they always get the shits if you don’t share your food
• don’t talk about other dinner bookings you’ve been on or talk up other restaurants you’ve been to and say one was better than the one you’re sitting in right there and then
• don’t be overly touchy feely

6. Difficulties of Dinner Bookings

There are lot’s of things that could go wrong or can make you feel on edge in a restaurant dinner booking. They will vary depending on the client and where you go for dinner of course but the one’s I’ve experienced and had other ladies talk to me about include things like…

i. Hating him as soon as you get to dinner – get to the booking and 10 minutes into the booking the guy begins saying incredibly insulting things and you want to stick his soup spoon up his arse. If he was at your house, you’d just bonk him so he’d stop talking, but in a restaurant you can see 2 long hours stretching out before you. An example may include a guy telling you, you shouldn’t order the pasta because it comes with a cream based sauce and you look like the sort of person who has to watch their weight because your fat; don’t talk to the cleaner in the lift because he is below you; wow you’re a pig for a girl! I’ve had 2 nibbles on my entree and you’ve already finished yours oink oink; etc etc.

There are a few ways to handle this… either get up and walk out with your entire fee, stick the soup spoon up his arse, smirk thru dinner and stop listening to him knowing he is never going to get anything but missionary position with you lieing on your back when you get him back to your house, go to the toilet every time he says something insulting (if he’s real bright he’ll associate insults with your absense), let him know he is insulting you and you are going to be forced to tie him down and force your largest vibrator up his arse when you get back to your house if he doesn’t stop.

Basically though, remember you are a lady and a professional and no-one can take that from you but yourself. It doesn’t matter what someone may say, all that matters is what you believe and the standard of behavior you set for yourself.

Still more to come on dinner bookings, but I have to go night night now because i have to go to work tomorrow. Anyhoooo…

Night night,

Lucy

Observations for the day….

Hellooo,

Number 1
I have been looking at the back end of my site (sounds vaguely unerotic lol) and have found the following terms are put in to WordPress to stumble upon me…

twilight zone alien on wing
big arse escort london Little Princess Lucy Blake Little Princess Lemondrops Laughing Cat

Now this is strange because when we are doing Search Engine stuff, we use terms like Sydney Escort, Australian Escort, blonde Aussie escort etc. I have just spent 2 forevers putting key terms all over my site, when people are finding me in a completely different way (except of course the guy looking for the big arsed London escort).

And it’s Intergalactical Princess  not Little Princess! hmm although I do like Little Princess better

Number 2
Spring Valley has stopped putting Liddle Facts under their juice lids. I have just finished sending off my letter of complaint, detailing my disappointment and letting them know that best they make better juice because I only ever spent $20 a week on their product for the Liddle Facts.  How on Earth would I ever have known that…

all porcupines float in water

an ostriches eye is bigger than it’s brain

a snail can sleep for 3 years

Yup I had a big sook about no longer will I be the most interesting person I know! I will no longer be dinner party ready!

Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for the Spring Valley Juice to arrive – when I was younger I was addicted to Sherbie sherbet. I was constantly disappointed by the lack of spoons for shoveling the sherbet into your mouth fast enough they were suppose to supply in each pack, so I wrote a letter to the Sherbie Sherbet Company complaining asking them if they wanted me to snort it stating they were encouraging myself and other 10 year olds to develop a drug habit by snorting sherbet. I got a years supply of sherbet delivered to me in the mail a month later. Then I moved onto ice cream (they had a rep come and deliver me boxes direct to my house!), chips and then chocolate.

Number 3
Your foot really is the length from your elbow to your wrist! I have done the research and today I made everyone at work measure and it’s true. What they say about big hands and big feet and penises is an absolute lie though.

Anyhooo, hope everyone has a lovely day tomorrow.

Weet weams

Rodger Dodger over and out

Little Princess Lucy or Lucy Little Princess or just me

274930.24390 years…

274930.24390 years…. That’s how long it’s going to take me to make 9 billion dollars in my straight job

I HATE MY STRAIGHT JOB I WANNA QUIT!

They make me cry… as a sub you get $350 an hour for the most basic of sub work in a Dungeon. 35 hours a week for $600 BEFORE TAX … god someone flog me… actually crying in a Dungeon doing sub work would be worth waaaaaay more (especially if you meant it)… friggin undercutting myself…. god someone cane me

They are nasty to me – they keep wanting to have these friggin touchy feely conversations with me.

I get DAILY 1/2 hour touchy feely supervision.

I get weekly 2 hour touchy feely you’re an arsehole so explain yourself extended supervision sessions

They’re trying to make me this wishy washy weirdo.

I’m so touchy feely’ed up, I need to shower for 3 hours straight by Friday afternoon I feel so groped

Maniacs: “So tell me about your work like balance Lucy. What do you do on your time off?”

Lucy: “Ummm I believe i spend my leisure time as a “client”. You know those people you feel sorry for and believe they all have AIDS, inject drugs and talk to Gobots because I’ve been hit by a car once or twice whilst standing on my street corner so now I have a brain injury?”

or…

Lucy: “Ummm NONE OF YOUR FREAKING BUSINESS!” (hell certainly not for $600 a week for a 35 hour week BEFORE TAX!

They make me call sex workers “clients” and they are trying to make me believe they are as well! What’s wrong with peers?! What’s wrong with being equal? What’s wrong with understanding the issues, communicating that understanding, then sharing some knowledge together to work out the best solution to an issue? Feels like I’m working for a friggin Political Party and it aint the Democrats and I’m sure as hell not allowed to stand as an Independent!

Hmm wonder how long it would take me to make $9 billion if I worked for the Labor or Liberal Party and not some shitty welfare agency… naaah I stick to being a hooker … at least that way I keep my soul and if I choose to sell it, I get to sell it at a price I determine

They made me cry for $600 for a 35 hour week BEFORE TAX!

They made me cry 3 times TODAY for $600 a week for a 35 hour week BEFORE TAX!

I’m going to send them an invoice

Then I’m going to join a Political Party

Solved

Lucy

Scary Monster Bagina!

Hellooo People’s!

The fear of sitting in a new beautician wondering who you’re going to get is intense. They all have different techniques for the uber torture of waxing. Some of these techniques include the following..

1. the quick rip – these are the girls who lather the wax on and then before you have a chance to take a deep breath in, they are ripping it off your naughty bit. There is an art form to taking real pain and these girls never allow you the luxury of preparation.
   

2. The kitty cat lick – this is where the girl puts the wax on the same spot and rips it off over and over again. It’s like when a cat licks you with it’s tongue on the same spot over and over again. The firt 5 licks are rough; by the 10th the lick  hurts and you’re considering puddy tat pie for tea. By the 15th lick you’re plotting to make your cat a hot water bottle cover and deciding whether to stick the plug in it’s mouth or up it’s arse. This is THE WORST style.
   

3. The nasty quip – this is where the girl is a plane and simple smart arse. She is so busy telling you one of your bagina flaps resembles a pork chop, the other a veal schnitzel, that she manages to wound you both physically and mortally when she rips the wax off.
   

4. The clueless rip – this is where the girl has NO IDEA what she is doing and manages to burn your clit off, followed by ripping patches of bagina fur off. You get up looking like you have a manky monster moot.

Sooo when you’re sitting there waiting for your new beautician to appear you prepare for one of the above. You can never tell which one you’re going to get. I’ve studied the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they stand and there is NO telling.  At these times I seem to have a pre-occupation with the roof. I don’t know why but I am drawn to the roof and air conditioning units of beauticians. I think it’s because it’s what sets them apart from brothels really – they have the same tacky maroon walls and towels on the table (a typical rub and tug table minus the hole), same bad piped music churning threw the speakers, but they ALWAYS have filthy roofs and air conditioning units. I fixate on cleaning them and map which bits I’d do first. At my last beautician they allowed me to clean the air con units in the room I went into, while I waited.

You enter the room, take off your pants and knickers and then look closely at the girls eyes when you unleash the beast and show her your bagina. There are a few different looks…

1. the burnt out hooker look – aaaargh god here we go again
2. the OMG hooker look – aaargh it’s soooo big how am I ever going to cope
3. the eeeew hooker look – this one covers anything unsightly

Well today I got a combination of  ” the nasty quip”, the “eeeew hooker look” and “the quick rip”… she started with “oh it looks scary”, so I said “you mean only a little bit scary don’t you?”, and she said “no you’re right it looks more like a monster than scary”. I asked her to clarify and she said “it looks like a scary monster”. Riiiiiiiiiiiight!

Then on top of that she made me pay a ridiculous amount of money for the experience . Can I hear a COW people’s?!

I asked her if anyone ever screamed and she reported most people scream alot and I asked her if it made her laugh. She told me she was Korean and in Korean culture it is rude to laugh at other people’s pain. I told her I’d find it funny and she told me only a monster would say that (again with the monster remarks!).  She then got busy lathering wax all over my bagina and I was thinking hmmm that’s strange because they generally just do patches. She then ripped the entire piece of wax off my entire bagina at once and I nearly jumped off the table. She said “seeeee I don’t laugh at your pain, it’s not funny is it?”. COW!

So anyhoooo bagina is all nice and smooth and painful and COW! So consider monster moot open for business gentlemen.. come one, come all, but only cum if you’re brave!

Weeee!

Lucy

$142 to be told I have a scary monster moot.. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?! cow

ps. she thought it looked scary because I had half waxed my bagina myself so it appears my waxing style is the “clueless rip”. I promise it’s little and pink and cute and doesn’t have teeth and growl and that’s not why she said it looked like a monster