Lucy Blake's Weblog

Roller Derby Fetish Queens!

Hellooo everyone!

Yup back again…. well kind of. I had a big sooky stomp my feet and pulled my last two blogs because certain issues arose with people bugging me about them and questioning the reliability of their content. I couldn’t be bothered to have people question my blogs so I pulled them. You spend 5 hours of your life writing personal/professional stuff (they’re the same thing to me really) and then get bollocksed for it… pfft. OMG LET’S STOP TALKING ABOUT IT… it’s pissing me off again and I’ll go nuts AGAIN… actually I have written 4 ranty blogs abusing people about it – yup it annoyed me THAT MUCH. Lucky I’m a grown up now and didn’t publish them though. Yes with age comes more botox and the ability to not publish tirades of “you suck” in blogs. I still have them but, just hidden SO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT OR I’LL PUBLISH THEM!!!

Daadadaaaaa not thinking about it…. dadadadaaaaaaaa la la la laaaaaaaa… brb I need chocolate and that’ll make me feel racked with guilt so I won’t think about it…..

oOOOK back with tea… I’m an old lady.

Hmm to other news…

I went to see Roller Derby at the Hordern the other night and it was AWESOME! It was a Star Wars theme night so they had storm troopers and a Jabba the Hut and they even had a Princess Leah on skates rolling around with the score board at the end of each round. Ooow oow and they had an all female heavy metal band doing head banging and then they had another female band and then they had a ‘performance artist’ in the middle of the ring for half time entertainment dressed as Princess Leah doing a strip with a light bulb! As she took off her clothes she revealed different outfits the Princess wore in the Star Wars movie ending in the itty bitty leather bikini she wore when Jabba had her chained up and was going to scoff her – it was truly MAGNIFICENT!

The best bit of course was the skating but – it is totally maniac and insane. All of the skaters have super cool names like “Slasher Killed Bambi” and “FiFi La Gore” and “Slide Show Ho” and “Itchy and Scratchy” (they’re two skaters who work together as a team to obliterate any skater that goes near them) and “Mad Snatch” and “Trippy Long Stocking”…. AND they dress in bad taste fetish costumes – one even had LATEX KNICKERS over her fish net stockings!! Yup they ALL wear fish nets. I’m LOVING ROLLER DERBY!!!

They do it on the concrete floor and skate around inside a funny shaped circle. You can sit on the floor around the circle and that’s called the suicide seats. When one of the girls gets pushed off the ring (that’s the mission) or tripped off the ring, she flies into the crowd and the people in the suicide seast get a skate in the face. Uber AWESOME! I of course was civilised and the person I went with (yeaaay for free tickets) had other friends already there who had saved us seats so we got to sit in the front row of the non death seats and watch.

It was Sydney versus Canberra and SYDNEY WON because quite frankly CANBERRA SUCKS! WOOOOOOOOT! Well not really, they nearly won and only actually lost by 2 points so the entire event was very close which made it super exciting. The floor of the non suicide seats was all wooden and people were stomping on it and screaming and everyone had light sabers (Star Wars theme remember) and they were banging them…. shit it was just sooooooo exciting! I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT and encourage everyone to go. It’s one of those things that should be on your bucket list. It was the best thing I have EVER seen besides a Leonard Cohen concert and Barnum (when I was 5). It was hilarious, exciting and about the most serious non serious thing I have ever seen. The skaters are amazing show man – it was really really good. Oooooh they even gave away prizes including the engineers prize for the best beer can tower…. how can you not want to go?!?!

I asked a lesbian couple I went with and asked them if it would make you more desirable and fuckable if you were a Roller Derby chick and they said ‘of course!’. Apparently being a roller derby chick is about the fanciest, most sexy thing you can do to improve your desirability factor and get free drinks in a lesbian bar. I asked the gay boys I went with and they said even gay boys would want to bonk a roller derby chick they are so cool!

When I got there I saw a whole bunch of people I’ve work with in my straight life I haven’t seen for aaaaages. I worked with some of them at SWOP but they all retired from the sex industry years ago. It’s all a little bit strange and awkward when you see someone who has retired. They look as though their heads are going to explode with freaking out seeing someone who knows their secrets. I’m the only one left but this time I saw them, they were all REALLY excited and non freaked out to see me. As in they were genuinely thrilled to see me – one of them even introduced me to her partner! No-one is ever really genuinely thrilled to see me so it felt … well it made me feel which was lovely. Mind you I was in full Lucy Blake mode (I’m more lovely and fun as Lucy than I am as the other me so I tend to drag her out of the closet when fun and happiness is expected/needed). Still was an AWESOME AMAZING night.

Ooow and while I was there the Goezleme Turkish people were selling their Turkish food. I had a chat to the owner about how she set up her business – she is an amazing inspiring woman. It’s not always easy for woman to set up businesses if anything beyond staying at home is not always celebrated or supported. She started it as a single tent selling at a local market and now she has a HUGE business selling at all the markets and events. Very cool woman. We like her 🙂

Hmmm ok best I go because I can talk forever and I have to go and build some websites and fight with those bloody Cracker advertising conservative Nazi lazy arse advertising freaks. Oow before I go, I bought a new phone – a Blackberry so I should be able to respond to emails etc super quick. If I don’t though, don’t blame me because I’m a bit of a numbnut and do stuff things up every now and then… ooow and the keys are soooooo itty bitty that my spelling can look like it leaves a bit to be desired. I promise I’m not being lazy and not respecting your emails, so until I can learn to make my fingers work like little mutant gnome fingers, you’ll have to forgive me. I was going to get an Iphone but everyone I spoke to said they sucked, so I went with the BlackBerry. Besides business boys use them and I think business men must be smart because they get paid lots of money so I thought they must be right! Lucy logic at its finest again.

Take care all my fellow space cadets, storm troopers and anyone who chooses to be normal out there,



ps. hellooo to my little shoe fetish boy – babe I’m not going to put it on my blog, rather I’m going to put it in the members section of my website. I have to do a few annoying things right now so I won’t have time to do it right away, but I’ll prioritise it and let you know on my blog once I’ve done it and put it on my website 🙂 I promise it will be half intelligent – appropriate for the thinking man even    HA!


3 Comments so far
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A Star Wars themed roller derby? Its things like this that makes you almost forgive George Lucas for the prequels.

Comment by Nicholas

Helloooo Nicholas!

Funnily enough there were a few prequels walking around and I was lucky/unlucky enough to be with a manga/comic/sci fi geek who sat there and analyzed all of the different Storm Trooper costumes (apparently they are not all called Storm Troopers – they’re Imperial Guard and other such things depending on the episode) and all the other space cadets. There was what I thought was a Princess Leah there, but I was told it was her mother! I got chastised for that one. Apparently I should have known because she had horse riding pants on and a claw mark down the back of her shirt – ah la Freddy Cougar got her scratch.

I love anyone who goes to the effort of dressing up so it was awesome for me. There’s something to be said for people who put everything into ensuring their night is going to be superb and they’re going to make other people feel like twats because they’re not having as much fun and getting into it as them!

Thanks for your comment Nicholas 🙂 and yerrrrs the prequels never did it for me either – I liked the Ewok movie the best. I even gave up show bags at the Easter Show one year so I could have an Ewok teddy bear instead!

Go the eee eee eee eee eeeeewoks!


Comment by Lucy Blake

You got to watch yourself with the fanboys. Say the wrong thing and they’ll pull a light sabre on your ass. Then again at least they aren’t as bad as the Trekkies.

I take it that since you are still with us that you didn’t mention your opinion about the “Ewok” movie? Because of this I feel compelled to run out the corresponding quote from “Clerks.”

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? “Jedi” or “The Empire Strikes Back”?

Dante Hicks: “Empire”.

Randal Graves: Blasphemy.

Dante Hicks: “Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets.

Comment by Nicholas

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