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Well tonight I got stabbed by a toothpick!
There was much swearing and sooking and stomping of my other foot. I had just put on my favorite little black dress, all of my hide out camouflage so you can’t see how ugly I am make up and the toothpick struck. Most sad yup.
Sooooo I called all of the medical centres but they were all closed by 6pm because this is Brisbane and to get a Doctor to come to your house is $175 but they wouldn’t come because there would be blood involved. SO I ws told to go to the hospital 😦
I sat on my balcony trying to yank it out, but Mr Adventure Pick wouldn’t come out 😦 I tried to call Miss Nikki (because everyone has an annoying habit of calling her in Brisbane when they have a drama – I feel sad for Miss Nikki, but I decided to annoy her anyway) and a few other ladies, but they had all wisely turned their phones off so I was on my own. That’s the worst bit about being single.. you’re always on your flippin own and there is never anyone to sook too! (it’s why I blog because you listen 🙂 )
So off to hospital I go… hobbling down the street of Fortitude Valley looking like one of the locals with no shows on 😦 Into a cab and I tried to get Mr Taxi Driver to have a yank on it to see if he could get it out, but he just sat there and gave me the “you’re a moron stare”…. then WOOOSHKA the hospital
I get there and there’s all of these stairs!
There’s no choice however, I’ve signed up for the adventure, I won’t be able to wear my Jimmy Choo Shoes until Mr Toothpick is gone, so off I trot on my little trotter….
Inside we trot and my little trotter is starting to bleed all over the joint which one of the nurses finds really cool and goes ‘aaaw gross cool. Let me squeeze it”. She was cool – had nice teeth as well.
Then the little trotter has to have a xray but it doesn’t show up wood, so then a Doctor who likes pus (I asked her favourite thing to do and she said she likes pus the best because it’s disgusting and rewarding – fair enough I say) came and had a poke around. My little trotter didn’t like that so she decided I need a full leg block because local aniseptic doesn’t work on feet because there’s to many nerve endings. I wanted to take pictures of her giving it to me but she wouldn’t let me in case she stuffed it up and I wanted to sue – fair enough. So I got 18 needles all over my ankle and foot – they used a 10 ml barrel with a 27 gauge tip which was cool seeing such a huge barrel – made it look gross and made my legs shake they were so scared.
While we were waiting for it to kick in a few other Doctor’s came in because they like to do extractions in feet because the block never works so it makes it more interesting apparently. So the Doctor’s stood around discussing feet and pus and heart attacks. I asked them about the nerves in feet and gave my expert input and said “did you know in dungeons the bottoms of people’s feet is the only part of the body a Mistress will not cane besides parts of the bodies with major organs?”. The male Doctor’s looked at me like I was a whack job, but the female Doctor’s thought that was cool and asked me about the roots of Mistressing in relation to the Spanish Inquisition. The female Doctor’s thought it would be ideal to hit someone on the bottom’s of the feet if it hurt too much and I said ‘naaaah it hurts so much people wet themselves and make a mess all over the floor” and they just said “aaaah yes makes sense”. Then all of the boy Doctor’s decided to leave and the lady doctor’s got down to business with the scalpels and tongues. Did you know all the metal equipment in a hospital is one use only because it costs too much to clean it? I asked if I could take my scalpel, forceps and other bits with me but I wasn’t allowed 😦
While I was having it cut out, I had the most coolest Tickle Me Elmo discussion ever with my doctor – she is into Elmo as well and told me I had to Google Elmo signing a duet with Botticelli “say goodnight” or something or other. Apparently it’s the sweetest thing ever to put you to sleep. Yup she was the super coolest Doctor EVER! and she has a boyfriend and he’s a Barrister, but because she is from another country whenever I asked her what he did, it sounded like the said “he’s a bastard” hahahaaaaa. Most cool. So cutting, pulling, poking and prodding and OUT HE POPPED! They let me take a picture of him ….
So then they stuck me with a needle for tetanus but that was a boring little needle so nothing to report their and was not a memorable part of the adventure really. Then I went to get off the table and I fell on my face because my foot wasn’t there! It’s like it had fallen off and I couldn’t feel it because of the blocker – I literally ROFL, was FUNNY!
I got some cool pics of my ouchy trotter though! Before I show you them though, I just want to say to any Big Shots or lovely people out there who donate to a charity each year, that the Royal Brisbane and Women’s Hospital is about the best hospital I have EVER been to. The staff were all sensational, they were quick, didn’t treat you like another lame body to be left sitting around the walls making the place look cluttered and were just remarkable. If anyone would like to wooshka some money their way, I believe they are amazing. I told them I worked with sex workers in my straight job and they didn’t treat me like a lurdo or judge sex workers at all even!
So anyway there was the exciting midnight adventure of the toothpick and the trotter. Now you may have the gory picture…
see the blood – gross huh?! cooooooool
Lastly, to the person I stood up tonight, I am sooooooooooo sorry and I will make it up to you BIG TIME!
Take care everyone and if my foot gets all pusie and gross and disgusting, I’ll take a pic so you can see 🙂
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