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The fear of sitting in a new beautician wondering who you’re going to get is intense. They all have different techniques for the uber torture of waxing. Some of these techniques include the following..
- the quick rip – these are the girls who lather the wax on and then before you have a chance to take a deep breath in, they are ripping it off your naughty bit. There is an art form to taking real pain and these girls never allow you the luxury of preparation.
- The kitty cat lick – this is where the girl puts the wax on the same spot and rips it off over and over again. It’s like when a cat licks you with it’s tongue on the same spot over and over again. The firt 5 licks are rough; by the 10th the lick hurts and you’re considering puddy tat pie for tea. By the 15th lick you’re plotting to make your cat a hot water bottle cover and deciding whether to stick the plug in it’s mouth or up it’s arse. This is THE WORST style.
- The nasty quip – this is where the girl is a plane and simple smart arse. She is so busy telling you one of your bagina flaps resembles a pork chop, the other a veal schnitzel, that she manages to wound you both physically and mortally when she rips the wax off.
- The clueless rip – this is where the girl has NO IDEA what she is doing and manages to burn your clit off, followed by ripping patches of bagina fur off. You get up looking like you have a manky monster moot.
Sooo when you’re sitting there waiting for your new beautician to appear you prepare for one of the above. You can never tell which one you’re going to get. I’ve studied the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they stand and there is NO telling. At these times I seem to have a pre-occupation with the roof. I don’t know why but I am drawn to the roof and air conditioning units of beauticians. I think it’s because it’s what sets them apart from brothels really – they have the same tacky maroon walls and towels on the table (a typical rub and tug table minus the hole), same bad piped music churning threw the speakers, but they ALWAYS have filthy roofs and air conditioning units. I fixate on cleaning them and map which bits I’d do first. At my last beautician they allowed me to clean the air con units in the room I went into, while I waited.
You enter the room, take off your pants and knickers and then look closely at the girls eyes when you unleash the beast and show her your bagina. There are a few different looks…
- the burnt out hooker look – aaaargh god here we go again
- the OMG hooker look – aaargh it’s soooo big how am I ever going to cope
- the eeeew hooker look – this one covers anything unsightly
Well today I got a combination of ” the nasty quip”, the “eeeew hooker look” and “the quick rip”… she started with “oh it looks scary”, so I said “you mean only a little bit scary don’t you?”, and she said “no you’re right it looks more like a monster than scary”. I asked her to clarify and she said “it looks like a scary monster”. Riiiiiiiiiiiight!
Then on top of that she made me pay a ridiculous amount of money for the experience . Can I hear a COW people’s?!
I asked her if anyone ever screamed and she reported most people scream alot and I asked her if it made her laugh. She told me she was Korean and in Korean culture it is rude to laugh at other people’s pain. I told her I’d find it funny and she told me only a monster would say that (again with the monster remarks!). She then got busy lathering wax all over my bagina and I was thinking hmmm that’s strange because they generally just do patches. She then ripped the entire piece of wax off my entire bagina at once and I nearly jumped off the table. She said “seeeee I don’t laugh at your pain, it’s not funny is it?”. COW!
So anyhoooo bagina is all nice and smooth and painful and COW! So consider monster moot open for business gentlemen.. come one, come all, but only cum if you’re brave!
$142 to be told I have a scary monster moot.. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?! cow
ps. she thought it looked scary because I had half waxed my bagina myself so it appears my waxing style is the “clueless rip”. I promise it’s little and pink and cute and doesn’t have teeth and growl and that’s not why she said it looked like a monster 🙂
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