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Anytime I am in the presence of a man, I get an itchy nose. It use to only happen when I stuck a condom in my mouth, so I assumed I was allergic to latex. Of course this couldn’t have been the case because I wear latex an awful lot and my butt never gets itchy so why my nose? Then my nose got itchy when a man looked at me like he wanted to bonk me (yes within 2 minutes of the boy walking thru the front door), now it gets itchy when I am anywhere near a man. I always feel like a traitor if someone asks me “so are you getting nice and wet?”, because of course the polite reply is “of course lover”, where as I’m really thinking, “NO MY BLOODY NOSE IS DRIVING ME INSANE so stop asking stoopid questions!!”.
Now an itchy nose many not sound that bad, but trust me I’d much prefer a wet bagina. It’s doubly difficult trying to look sexy while scratching your nose in the middle of giving a head job. That and if I itch it whilst doing it, I can and end up with a finger in my eye, or if it was really itchy, a penis in the eye.
So who cares right? Well I find it has started interfering with day to day life as well. I found myself in a swanky fancy bar last night after work. I went to the toilet and it’s one of those toilets where boys and girls go to the same room! Can you believe that?! Boys and girls sharing a toilet – it hurts my brain! This wasn’t my major drama; the major drama was the fact was it didn’t have buttons to flush. I looked EVERYWHERE for a button to flush. I smacked on all of the walls, pushed on the handle you hang your bag on and tried to turn it around; I opened and closed the toilet seat in case that triggered the toilet, I was looking everywhere on the roof in case it had one of those cool infra read devices like toilets in Singapore have and still NOTHING! No button to flush!
Combine the no button to flush with the fact I am peeing in the same room as men so my nose is itchy and I was spastic. Swinging my arms around in the air doing the funky chicken dance looking for the infra red sensor on the roof, whilst scratching at my nose with my shoulder was not pretty.. and I could tell it wasn’t pretty because the toilet cubicle had a floor to roof mirror in it. I caught a look at myself in the mirror flailing around like a moron and thought AAAARGH I gotta get out more because I just don’t know about modern toileting procedures!
So I had to sit in the toilet for 3 minutes waiting for no noises outside and then I flung open the door and bolted for the sinks hoping no-one would come in after me and see my grotty shame 😦 When I got to the sinks, there were all of these people sticking their hands down inside these hand dryers. I stood there and decided the reason they have a unisex toilet, was to ensure men didn’t stick their penises in the hand dryers. Everywhere I go I see ways to get men off in the coolest and newest of ways. I am surrounded and consumed by thinking about men cumming.
I actually tried to con a drunk guy into going down with me to the toilets to stick his penis in the hand dryers, but he was rescued by his un-drunk friend so I may go back there to hunt down a fellow obsessed itchy nosed person.
Anyhooo there you go.. itchy noses are NOT OK and neither are unisex toilets with no buttons to push. HOWEVER, if you would like to come to a bar with me to stick your penis down a hand dryer, SEND ME AN EMAIL… I have a mission in mind 🙂
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