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Ok so I am a bit obsessed with unit hunting at the moment. I mentioned in my last blog the Martha Stewart of real estate agents, well there is actually a few different types and they are:
1. Martha Stewart – these are the nastiest of them all. These are woman in their 30’s who dress and act like Martha Stewart. I reckon they all went to fancy girls private schools and were the ones who bombed out and didn’t go to Uni so weren’t able to hunt for rich husbands and landed in the families real estate business. They dress all country road and think all private school girl. These are the ones who look you up and down and tell you they wouldn’t rent a unit to you because she doesn’t like the way you dress. IT HAPPENED! Made me need to go out and buy a completely new power dressing unit hunting outfit.
2. The Escort – they really call them that!! These are the girls who are not real estate agents and are just employed to show people around units. These girls are ALWAYS miserable and seem to have a terminal case of I HATE MY JOB. I like looking at units with these girls because they don’t mind if you use the toilet. Funnily enough they all seem to carry fake Luis Vuitton bags
3. Newbies – these are generally guys and they wear those metalic like suits (usually grey). These guys are the car salesmen of real estate agents. Wheeling and dealing highflyers without the frequent flyer points for an upgrade yet. These guys are alright to look with because they spend the entire time on their mobile phones so you have the freedom to practice your stripper moves in front of the built in wardrobes and they wouldn’t notice because they are obsessed with the phone call. These guys are usually pack animals as well and will often be seen with a few of their newbie mates just before they open the unit.
4. Frequent Flyers – these guys have been around a few years and prioritise the buzzer ringing to let more people in rather than their mobile phones. I like these guys the best because they are all about the business and the bottom line.
5. A Mans Woman – yup that’s right, these real estate agents are the ones boys will remember when real estate shopping so will be most successful at what they do. If you look at 10 units in a weekend, I bet they will all become a blur and the only unit you will remember is the one you saw that was shown by a pretty girl, in full make up, with a business suit on, wearing the tallest pair of stilletoes you’ve ever seen. These woman are also very sweet, organised and smile beautifully. I like these woman.
There are a few different types of real estate shoppers to match the real estate agents but they curiously all have a few things in common which is most fun to mess with if you find real estate shopping as monotonous as I do.
The first thing to remember is that unit hunting is completely predatory. All unit hunters hate each other because you are each others competition. It is the most competitive thing you can do outside of the Olympics. NO-ONE talks to each other, stands next to each other outside whilst waiting for the unit to open, no-one looks at each other beyond side ways glances as you size each other up and down… it’s just AWFUL!
1. pysching the competition out – this is my favorite game to play. The first step is to make contact and people HATE it when you talk to them. I either talk about how many units I’ve seen and how real estate agents now make you bid on units so the whole situation is horrible, talk about the fact you’re a funeral director and tell them the amount of dead bodies you’ve picked up from that unit block etc etc. They FREAK OUT!
2. Pushing the buttons – unit hunting is fascinating if you’re into theater. Because it is so predatory, competitive and everyone is on guard, you can make people do or say anything.
- If you ask a real estate agent for an application form, everyone else standing in the room at the time will ask for one as well. If you ask for an application form and fill it out, everyone else in the room will ask for one and fill it out on the spot as well.
- If you stand in a room and say the room is to small to fit a bed in it, people will pull out a tape measure and begin measuring it up for their beds. If you ask them how big their bed is they will respond they have no idea but they thought they should measure the room anyway.
- If you say the water pressure in the shower is crap in a bathroom you just walked into with a bunch of other people and they know you haven’t turned it on, they will all go over and turn the shower on and test the water pressure.
- If you say you could never get a bed up a set of stairs that has corners to go around, the tape measures will come out again and don’t ask me how you measure if a bed goes around corners on a set of stairs!
- if you say “pfft this unit sucks, you could never have sex in hear without the person your sharing with hearing”, all the single guys hunting for a unit to share will leave.
Basically though unit hunting is an AWFUL thing to put yourself thru and I reckon you need to be a hardened hooker to survive it. You certainly need to go in with a sense of humor, self loathing and loathing for others if you want to come out the other end without needing therapy. Unit hunting is worse than attending a staff meeting at work, worse than going to the dentist, worse than most awful experiences you can think of.
All I can recommend if unit hunting in the market we find ourselves in at the moment is practice your stripper moves in all of the built ins, sit on all of the benches in the kitchen you can and imagine what it would be like to bonk on it, lock yourself in as many cupboards as you can and make ghost noises to make people laugh as you can and just be silly and have fun. If you can’t keep your sense of humour and fun, you wont escape as a nice happy person from the experience.
3 weeks until I’m homeless! SHIT!!!!!!!
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