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So I recently caught a plane somewhere with a friend who is a non hooker. The way sex workers travel is sooo different to civilian woman. The differences include:
Sex Workers travel in: cargo pants, with Michelin Man jacket on and mountaineering socks (I’m always freezing on planes and dress to be comfy). We like to be ugly and inconspicuous as we do in all public environments so as not to draw attention to our identity (ssshhhh they may see you and RECOGNISE YOU!)
Civilian woman travel in: my friend was wearing a corset. Yup we are getting on a 5 hour flight and she decides to wear a full metal boned corset. Of course she goes thru the metal detector and it goes OFF! They tell her to take her shoes off, her belt off, hair clip and still no success. They zip zapped her with their thingy and found she was wearing a metal boned corset. I looked at her and the eye rolling begins.
Sooo we spend the next 30 minutes in customs where she has to remove her corset, lift up her boobs, but the thing that took the most time was strapping her back into it. They had to call 2 more customs officers in to strap her back in because she insisted on wearing it because her boyfriend liked to see her in it and she wanted to look beautiful when she got off the plane. She’s a little bit fussy (annoyingly so) so demanded they strap it really tight which takes two people if no-one has ever done it before. A sex worker would have known to apply the corset at the end of the flight in the plane (we don’t need help strapping in and have learnt to maneuver in very small enclosed spaces)
Sex Workers travel on bag contains: Ipod, painkillers, laptop, lists of people they are going to see, a Uni book and all the adminy stuff you could think of. Very organized with little if any unnecessary junk.
Civilain Woman carry: face masks, Evian water spray (can’t have one’s skin dehydrating now can we), those baby wipe things (sex workers use to cool down and clean penises after they take a condom off – civilian woman use them to wipe their hands and faces!) vibrators (yup that was the very next lecture my friend received after the one for the corset), every conceivable useless item you could possibly dream of… ie. A normal woman’s handbag x 3 times the mess.
Sex workers buy in airport shops: anything full of sugar they can stick in their mouths! I have found most sex workers have an oral fixation issue going on. We also go into any shop selling lingerie and paw thru it. Finally we buy men’s magazines – they make us more interesting people to boys and have waaaay better dirty jokes than girls’ magazines.
Civilian woman buy: girl magazines – and not just any girls’ magazine… ALL OF THEM! They generally don’t buy food because they plan on living it up and enjoying the plane food. Postcards… what is it with civies needing to send postcards as soon as they even think of getting on a plane.
Sex Workers like to: board the plane last… sex workers never seem to be in a hurry from what I’ve seen. There’s no rushing one of us hahahaa.
Civilian Woman: want to get on ASAP … major stress if you try and go against this machine!
Sex Workers say to the flight attendants: “Don’t call me MATE! You may call me PRINCESS” (if flying Virgin), oooor “I’ll have a Pina Colada” if flying Qantas.
Civilian Woman say to flight attendants: “oooh thank you and are all the male flight attendants gay and can I have a chardy?”
Sex Workers on planes: Scope the plane to see who they may have bonked. Turn off their phones ASAP and stair out the window. They then read the Men’s Magazines cover to cover trying to remember the dirty jokes. We will spend quite a bit of time plotting and planning, thinking about life and trying to order it. Once again we’re all about the admin.
Civilian Woman on the plane: Scope the plane for who they want to bonk. Never ever switch off their phone’s ‘til the last minute and have to send 20 last minute emergency text messages before they take off. Then they TALK and TALK and TALK! They want to gossip about what suits on the plane they want to bonk, how they want to bonk them, talk about all the small toilets they’ve ever bonked in, talk about how many men they’ve ever had sex with, talk about how many men they are going to have sex with when they get to where they are going, talk about what a wonderful time they are going to have, try and talk you into getting drunk with them and bonking all the men you see (and them) when you get to where you’re going. Then they may read a magazine quickly, but it’s more flicking that sparks thoughts of bonking men again which sets them off with the TALKING AGAIN!!
Sex Workers when they get off the plane: go outside and chill out for a while, looking at the sky and wait for bags to appear. Sex Workers don’t seem to prioritize stressing about anything.
Civilian Woman when they get off the plane: stress about if they are going to get to their bags on time. Stress if they are going to be able to get a taxi, stress stress stress. While this stressing is going on they manically check their phones in case the world has come to an end because they have been out of the phone text gossip loop for 5 hours.
When you think about it I think sex workers from what I’ve seen travel more like business men. Organised, calm, on the mission. Civilian woman travel like demons…. Out of control whirlwinds. My eyes always hurt when I finally get to a hotel when I travel with civies – the eye rolling involved when traveling with normal woman is intense! Normal woman are just these little stress buckets ooooozing with desire to be chaos and demanding. Hmm makes them sound cooler than sex workers hahaha!
I like the calm of a plane. The sitting and everything stops.. no emails, no internet, no talking, just time to sit and think and switch off. It’s like selfish time or downtime. Hmmm maybe I should become a flight attendant person.. hmm but I’m to little! Bugger!
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