Lucy Blake's Weblog


Hooker Injuries!

Lucy (yup that would be moi) has just come back from the Doctor (oh and from Queensland but we aren’t going to discuss that nightmare!)

 

I thought I would dedicate this Blog to hookers all over the world! So ladies this one is for you! With this little bit of tiddle I hope to explain once again why ladies are worth every cent they ask for in donations.

 

So I was at my Doctor (the Russian guy who sexually harasses me each time I go in) because I have a mouth that is killing me. I have been pumping myself with painkillers all last week. It appears I have nerve damage in my jaw – aaaah ha! It appears I have been doing one too many unlady like things with my mouth! So now I am all broken! Bugger!

 

Over the ages I have spoken to a few ladies who have developed work related injuries and I thought I may share some of them with you. Why? Well because it’s kind of funny, kind of tragic, very bizarre and for us deadly serious… so for your giggling pleasure….

 

Nerve damage to mouth and jaw. Cure anti inflammatory and cat scan if it doesn’t go away

 

Bleeding bottom cheeks from being spanked within an inch of my life – NOT HAPPY so no more spanks for me. Cure is to cry lot’s and flash your buttocks on MSN to all your friends so they feel sorry for you. Also have to take time off work and if you need to go back so you can pay rent, you must wear your catsuit in every booking so boys can’t see your bottom

 

Stab electricution injury from sitting on my electrified pinwheel while I had my electric glove on (note to one’s self – be very very careful what your touching and when, if the electricity box is in use to ensure earthing does not happen). Cure sooking and swearing lots.

 

Tennis Elbow x 2 – a friend happened to have two boobs weighing 9.5kgs each so she found herself constantly doing Spanish. Ever wondered what having to lift 19kgs + other body weight on your hands and knees while you squish your boobs together using your arms and albows, having to hold them at unnatural angles does to your elbows and arms? It gives a serious case of tennis elbow on a laaaarge scale. Cure… days off work and treatment from an osteopath.

 

Wankers Elbow – I have spoken to a few ladies who have come down with this ailment. One friend went to her osteopath and after looking at her injury said “you’re a prostitute. No-one get’s RSI of the elbow and wrist like that unless they are constantly doing handjobs. We call it ‘Wankers Elbow’ “. Cure is take time off work, limited handjobs and not to do any leaning on your arms when you go back to work

 

Demon Eyes – this happens to ladies who do BBBJs and the guy gets it in the ladies eyes. It causes ladies eyes to swell up like they have been on a drinking binge for 2 weeks and not slept. Cure is lots of swearing and sooking to other ladies and time off work ‘til it goes away.

 

Drano Nose – this happens when a lady may do BBBJs and the guy misses the desired spot and gets the stuff up her nose. It feels like Drano being poured down ones nose and makes you cough and gag and in some cases I have seen it make ladies noses bleed for a few days. Cure… don’t do BBBJs (hahahaa the condom Nazi couldn’t help herself) and if you do, don’t allow one to do it who has an evil 8 year olds look in their eyes at the time of ejaculation!

 

Plague Legs – this occurs when your in hotel rooms. I have just come back from Queensland where I stayed in a hotel room. At my house I don’t have much furniture because I have to load up my camel and move every 12 months so I don’t accumulate furniture. This means when you go to a hotel room there is 20 extra pieces of furniture to avoid. Me being me I don’t manage so well so I end up covered in bruises to the point it makes me look like I have the plague!! Cure is to LEAVE THE HOTEL ROOM ASAP! And don’t go back! Nasty furniture.

 

Monkey Fingers – this happens predominately to ladies working in massage parlours. I remember when I use to work in one, driving to and from work would take about 20 minutes, but then it would take 5 minutes to pry your fingers open so you could take them off the steering wheel. Makes you look like you have monkey hands and feels like you have very bad arthritis. Cure is to not work so hard and to budget in an extra 5 minutes on the way to work so you have time to sit there and work at letting the steering wheel go – oh also helps not to work in a parlour where they fine you in case it takes 10 minutes to get fingers off rather than just five.

 

Saddle Sore – this happens to ladies working in massage parlours who work on top of the table. They get nasty bruises on the insides of their legs because they are constantly banging them on the side of the table when they are jumping up and when they are pressing down hard on the table in an effort to stay on top of the table. Cure is to be lazy and not work on top of the table or hemorroid cream (although I always think it makes bruises uglier in color and last longer), hmmm or always work with lights really really REALLY dimmed – bruises are the worst to work with.

 

Beggars Knees – this happens when you spend to much time on your knees. If you are someone who seems to have lot’s of conversations while straddling a boy, your knees will get bruises on them but worse still, the oils rub out of your skin and your knees get very red and can bleed. It’s like having really really bad sunburn just on your knees! Cure is to act like a lady and sit next to someone when having a conversation, rather than pinning them down to the bed so they can’t squirm and kneeling over the top of them. Also must use lots of heavy thick moisturisor to try and put moisture back into knees (can also happen to wrists and palm of the hands and it HURTS).

 

Shower Scars – this happens when you fall or slip over in showers. If you jump in the shower after a boy who you have just given a massage to, the floor may be all slippery so you may slip over and knock your tooth out, or bang your leg (see plague legs), or chip a nail. Some showers are more slippery than others! Cure… be smelly and don’t shower.

 

Horse – yup SOME people talk to much and their voices turn all horsey! Cure … well there is none really! The option of not talking is not viable.

 

Chippies – this happens to a friend of mine who holds the gold medal for headjobs. She sucked a boys peeeenis that hard, she sucked the corwn off her tooth! Cure…. stop doing such a good job so you don’t chip your teeth!

 

Prickles – the ouchy holes botox injections leave in our heads! Cure is not an option. Botox is vital for survival! It was developed as medicine after all.

 

Bruised Bubble – this happens when escorting and you have to walk down steep driveways or footpaths. It’s where a lady is wearing an outstanding pair of stilletos, slips over, falls on her butt and takes the top 4 layers of skin off in gravel rash. Cure…. get the boy to pay for a taxi and if he refuses and you slip over charge him extra anyway- its called pain and suffering payment if he wishes it to appear on his invoice. 

 

Then you have the every day issues like hemorrhoids (girls who do anal), thrush (every girl who is allergic to lube), cystitis (ho hum), broken nails (we wont tell you how we manage that one) blaaaah blaaaah but those one’s are more eeeewy to discuss and are secret girls business so I wont put you thru them. Hmmm and then we have the mentail and emotional ochy’s but that is the stuff of another blog!

 

SO next time your all wondering why you pay ladies so much, it’s because we need to pay for private health insurance and hemorrhoid cream to get rid of our bruises Oh and osteopaths, oh and Doctors, oh and prescriptions, oh and we need lots of days off to repair the bumps, bruises and strains!

 

Ok I go now and take my pills

 

Mmwaah!

 

Lucy

oooch ouch ooooch ouch

oooch ouch ooooch ouch

 

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