Lucy Blake's Weblog

The Executive Lounge

So I found myself in one of those ‘Executive Lounges’ in a 5 Star Hotel in the City the other night at happy hour. We love happy hour as it means free drinks, free food all in these little bite size pieces so you can eat LOADS but it only looks like a little bit. For some strange reason girls think appearing to eat little bits is way more lady like than eating alot of food. I sat there considering the likliehood of getting caught if I snuck in everyday and told them a room number so I wouldnt have to ever eat a Lean Cuisene again (works with parking so why not the Executive Lounge?!).

I of course was running late as I had to have my fashion crisis. I was to meet a few friends up there. I walked in alone as a result and it would be impossible to be able to tell you what it is like. There would have been 20 or so business men in there. ALL of them turned around and looked me down and up (men always start at the boobs, look down to your feet and then up again) like I was in a line up in a brothel. Actually men in brothels are never actually that obvious. I suppose it’s because the girl is in the power position in a lineup so they wouldn’t be brave enough to look at you like that.

20 eyeballs fixed on you all at once and you know they are watching you breathe and waddle as I walked over to meet my friends. I sat down and arranged myself on the chair trying to hide from all the men in the room. Unfortunately they were these big leather chairs that are designed for mens butts, so there was no hiding in it as I kept sliding down and my legs kept flying apart. It was at this stage I realised I forgot to put a g-string on.

I then looked around and noticed the man sitting next to me with his paperwork, reports and glass of chardonnay. He had his glass of wine in one hand and was twirling its contents as he perused me (he was obviously a BigShot so I immediately thought of throwing him over his table and bonking him). I looked to the front of me and saw 3 Indian men. They were all drinking champagne and checking me out. Then I looked to my left and there was a man and his wife. The man was STARING at me. He was devouring me with his eyeballs. His wife was looking straight at him watching him perving at me and didnt seem to realise. I saw this happen a few times in my stay at the Lounge. If one of them was my husband I’d give him a backhand and divorce he wouldn’t forget anytime soon! I wondered if woman became dellusional when they got to the married for 15 years and more stage of their relationship and thought their husbands only had eyes for them and their lives were that perfect they never would think their husbands eyeballs would stray. Became envious of those woman on the spot.

By this stage I was freaking out as every man in the room looked like a punter. I decided to flee to the toilets to breathe for a while. Aaaargh that meant getting up and every man staring at me again. This time however I was aware I wasnt wearing a g-string so had no centre of power (I derrive alot of power from lingerie. Men usually have one suit or tie that they define as their ‘power suit’, I have power lingerie). To the toilet I must go however so I slunk off. I got to the toilet and noticed there was a box on the wall with a button on it that said ‘push’. Me being me I had to push the button to see what would happen (I call it the ‘wet paint effect’). I got showered in a fine mist of toilet cleaner’disinfectant. I read the instructions AFTER I had already pushed the button that your suppose to hold your toilet paper over the hole and it would spray toilet disinfectant on it that you then wipe that on the seat. So I now stunk of toilet cleaner.

I then walked back to the table, walking past a waitress who laughed at me as I went. I informed everyone it was time to depart and they agreed saying they needed to sit down wind of me as I stunk.

Aaaaargh Executive Lounges… good for nibbles and free drinks but BEWARE the toilets and mens starving eyes!




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