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Soooo today was ‘D-Day’ – yup Doctor Day!!
Wanna come too? Ok I take you….
I dont go to a Sexual Health Centre as I think they are no longer capable of providing an adequate service to sex workers. Due to funding cuts they wont test you for many STIs unless you have symptons and only blood test you once a year if you jump up and down and demand it. Sooo I have shopped around (Doctor shopping is vital if in this industry) and found the bestest Doctor’s in the Land. They are all HIV specialists and 80% or more of their clients would be gay men. The good thing about that is they know EVERYTHING about EVERY STI ever to crawl the face of the planet. It also means they are able to do swabs, urine tests and blood tests for free, where you would pay for them at a normal Doctor’s surgery. Once again due to funding cuts (this time Medicare), about 3 years ago now Doctor’s have had to start paying for testing which means the patient pays. As this surgery is a specialist centre it is all free. For a bit of perspective, if you have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) it involves 3 different urine tests which costs the patient just over $250. For a full STI screen would cost me LOADS!! Normal GPs also dont know what STIs to check for. Because this is a specialist centre these Doctor’s know all the hottest STIs at the moment so check for stuff normal GPs would have no idea about.
Soooo it all starts with visiting the local leather shop complete with cages to lock people in across the road – kind of puts me in a BDSM mind frame (its kind of the headspace I feel I need to be in to go to the Doctor to survive the mutilation testing process).
Then we walk up the stairs. For some reason all Doctors that specialise in sex workers always seem to live upstairs. It’s kind of weird because brothels, massage parlours and strip clubs usually live upstairs as well. Strange but true. Anyhooo so we walk up the stairs and into the waiting room. Hand over Medicare card and park the butt on the chair. I always sit with my back to the reception because they have this 70s yuckness wall paper that takes up an entire wall. Its the feature wall and it is this big picture of an autumns day. It is this country road with trees lining the side of it and all the leaves are turning golden brown and falling off. I think it’s morose myslef. Fancy having a feature wall of dieing trees in a Doctor’s surgery that looks after people who have chronic if not terminal illness. It’s kind of the road I would expect to walk up when I am on my way to heaven – it just screams ‘go gently into death’ to me.
All the other walls are lined with pamphlets and posters for STIs and HIV support services. Of course you would never go and pick one up or read a poster as that would announce to everyone you had that particular issue. These health promotion workers who still believe making a poster is a good idea should be made to sit in one of these surgery’s for a reality check. On the upside there is a childrens corner with LEGGO!!! So I sit and make houses with Leggo until my name is called.
Right in we goooooo. My Doctor is lovely. On my first visit to see her I told her everything possible to try and freak her out and she didn’t flinch. She ROCKS as she didnt twitch once. So now I can sit there and tell her how life is. We make a few dentist jokes because her husband is a dentist and down to business. There are 3 forms of testing to be done. Urine, blood and swabs.
Urine testing is done first. She explains to me in great detail how to peeee into the jar. It is actually a complicated business. Then off to the toielt, deed is done then the ‘issue’ hits! How on Earth will I get the little jar back to her room without anyone seeing it?! Decide I’m a sex worker so dont care what other people think and besides I am in BDSM headspace so hold my urine sample out in front of me, put my hugest smile on and walk proudly thru the surgery. Everone int he waiting room smiles and laughs at me like we are all equally as naughty as each other and are going thru some weird bonding experience due to the fact we all have the overly devious sex lives. Walking around with a urine sample is the universal symbol your a member of the devo club.
Swabs next. Take jeans off then have an issue with socks. I always stress about whether to leave socks on or off. I always come to the same decision. I think leaving socks on while being swabbed is as unsexy and dorky as leaving socks on while having sex. Besides I just had new slut toes (its what the Vietnamese girls call red toe nails) applied! Soooo all naked. Onto the table and legs apart. BUGGER BUGGER I forgot to bring my own lube! Hmmm thrush is now a destiny – pfft.
Doctors these days use these annoying plastic disposable duck bills. We HATE the plastic duck bills. The metal ones were better. They use to slide in without a scratch. It is the difference between bareback sex and condom sex, Condom sex is kind of scratchy and you can feel the condom, similar to plastic duck bills. Metal duck bills are smooth and slippery just like bareback sex. She then snaps them open in place. Next comes the cotton bud for swabbing with. She inserts it and asks if it hurts. You say ‘nooooo is all good’ when really you just want to kick her in the head to get her away from you and that swab far far away because it hurts like buggary. Aaargh and then she sticks her fingers in you with those gloves on – HATE THAT! Ahhhh phew all done and no casualties. Promise myself chocolate cake for being the super cool patient.
Next spot of business is the lectures. Or pre-test HIV counselling. This is the super cool idea some idiot in health had to ‘counsel’ people on HIV issues and to create a ‘window of opportunity’ to educate people on HIV. Stoopid. So I sit there and wait for the question….. Aaaargh there it is!!! “So what will you do if your tests come back showing your HIV+”. Why slit my throat of course you IDIOT!! Dumbshit question of the Universe. Sooo I sit there and debate the pros and cons of dumb conversations and we move on to the next lecture. I refuse to participate any further unless she gives me her cool drug company give away pen. She agrees to hand it over so then we enter into the stop smoking conversation.
Right wave bye bye to the Doctor and off to their full time official vampire for draining. We discuss the pros and cons of the color of their ever changing uniform (their company keeps getting taken over by another company so the uniform is forever changing) and whether or not her arse looks fat in it while she gets everything ready. I use to hate watching the blood come out, but now I think it is kind of an engineering marvel how it is all done. Out it comes then she hands you the vials with the blood in it to check your name and date of birth. Eeeeew I cant stand touching them. There is something completely yuckiferous about holding a warm vial of your own blood.
Then its ESCAPE TIIIIIIME. Get on my little trotters, scamper to the stairs while waving bye bye to everyone in the waiting room on the way out.
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